Handmaiden's Tale was not Supposed to be a Handbook

I would first like to thank everyone for reading my recent post about my father. It meant a lot to me that so many would be moved by my thoughts and words about someone who meant so much in my life. Now though, my thoughts are clearer, my sadness has receded somewhat, and I am ready to come back into the world. Lets see what I missed...

(All Rights held by The New York Times)

Oh for f^@&s sake...

Abortion has been a hot bed topic in America for a vast number of years. Ever since crusty old politicians realized that they could extend their grimy fingers into the lives of others, some have tried to use this power to push their own religious and personal beliefs. And while some people (ed note: Smart people) would say that a politicians place is to enforce and enact the will of the people they represent, others will chime in and say this is how it's always been done. And so, I welcome back my guest from my first post ever, Abraham Lincoln, to offer us a sage quote about this whole issue. Mr. Lincoln... you have the floor.

"Four score and seven drinks ago, I doth decree, 'a woman has no more license to her own body, than a man haveth to the body of thy fellow man'... or something." -Aperaham Lincun, some year.

Accurate.

Obviously this has incensed women across the country. And it damn well should. For years, it was always talked about, that the ultimate violation of a woman's rights is to take away her autonomy and turn her into a breeding factory. Well, seeing as how this law makes no exceptions for children of rapes, and it also makes no exception for UNDERAGE girls who end up pregnant, I fail to see how it classifies women as little more than fertile ground for a MANLY MAN to plant his seed in. God I feel like George R.R. Martin writing that sentence. But I digress, this law is something that is out of a horror story, and any logical minded person will see all the reasons why.

But I'm not here to debate a law that has passed and will surely NEVER get repealed. No, I'm here to push my own law. One that I think will balance the playing field a bit more. I call it, "The No Hand On 'Yer Willy" law. If crispy-crunchety-peanut-buttery politicians feel they have a right to tell a woman how to manage her own body, then by Job I say lets take this hell-ride to the next step! Ban masturbation and wet dreams! They kill over 2 million future voters every spurt! DOWN WITH THE WILLY WACKIN!!!! Mr. Toad's wild ride ain't got nuthin on this car wreck.

And lets say, if a man decides to travel to a different state to do said pleasuring, well, when he comes back, he should definitely face all the consequences that would be appropriate. Jail time, execution, time outs, all the worst for the most heinous of criminals. Now obviously this wouldn't work. I mean, the Government can barely keep track of all the children in cages they lose, let alone how many degenerate tallywaker-touchers are roaming the countryside. So this most likely wouldn't get voted into law. Score one for men's rights activists I suppose. Wooooooo....

Figured this image was appropriate enough...

"But Uncommon Stupidity!" I hear the masses scream, "won't someone think of the children!!?!?" And to that I would respond... do you really think that's my name? It's just the name of the blog. Idiots. Also, yeah, I would think about them if anyone else would. You see, I am a walking contradiction in most things. On the topic of abortion, I am a pro-life pro-choicer. In essence, I would rather a possible future human not be aborted, but I understand that, baring alien experimentation, I will never become pregnant, and so will never have to make that decision, nor should I. A woman's body is her own issue, and no man, or other woman, should ever have control over it. Unless your kinky like that. And if said pregnancy isn't ceased, and a child is born, suddenly, all these so called "advocacy groups" no longer care about their well-being. They wish so much to control what happens before a child is born, but give zero shits about the baby once it actually has been. "It's the mother's problem now." Maybe it should have ALWAYS been their problem. And they should have the ability to deal with it how they see fit. So while I agree that there are issues to be made for either argument, I simply say the magic words that have gotten me through life: "It's not my problem, it's their choice."

     And really, it should be. But somewhere along the line, people in power began to think that they had the right to take away control of our own bodies. While abortion and birth control have been the stand out issues, it extends as far reaching as the right to medically assisted suicide, whether or not prosthetic limbs are considered "cosmetic surgery", and many other issues that all stem from the same thought: How thoroughly can we control the masses.

At least three people here think your prosthetic leg makes you a cyborg...

    In this day an age, I would say control of the masses is at an all time high. The sad and hilarious part, is that many of these masses, are fooled into believing that this control is in their best interest. I imagine even now, there is some single, unemployed young man in Alabama that is ecstatic for this new law. I'm sure he will say something about "feminism", or "what god commands". All this before retreating back into his mom's basement to watch Adult Swim and complain on 4chan about how much women are horrible for not dating him, while his mother cries upstairs wondering why she didn't take advantage of the abortion services while she had a chance.

     I understand that in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't effect me. I live in California, I'm male, and I am at least half Caucasian, so I am thoroughly enjoying the half-white privilege I receive on a daily basis. (ed note: They make my bagels EXTRA toasty at Panera. Thanks Obama.) However, what this does effect, is the future of our law landscape. This sets a dangerous precedent. Roe v. Wade is not overturned, and yet this law DIRECTLY goes against it. This is spitting in the face of established legal practice, and so far, it's being allowed to happen. What's to say that other states don't try to pass similar laws? Or try and pass things that are even more dangerous. Why do we constantly let ourselves be outdone by "Third World Countries" when it comes to Freedom, something our country thinks it has a monopoly on. I gotta tell ya, I'd sure enjoy some of that "Land of the Free" right about now. I suppose i'll have to go to Canada to get it these days...